School's slowly coming back into fruition. Not really looking forward to it. I'm gonna miss Will. I know it's for a semester but it's definitely going to be a lot more boring without him.

I finally got to hang out with some old friends. Ever since Mat got his license, I haven't really gotten out much since he always has the car.

I've been over-thinking things lately again.I just hope I have something to keep my head above the water. Something steady enough. I can't rely on shortcuts like the lottery or american idol. Dreams are great and all but I feel dumb for being so hopeful at that place. I don't think there is an easy way to get the things that I want but that just makes it more worth it. I don't want to grow old, jaded and regretful. At least I went for it, It definitely doesn't stop there. If anything, We were shooting pretty low going there. Our sights should be up higher. I wish I had more talent. I wish I had other talented people around to learn from. I wish I was more motivated. Ugh. I wish I didn't have to keep wishing so much.

I'm 20, I should still have teenage angst.The Fuck. Today, my dad threw a lamp at my face... with the fluorescent kind of bulb; you know the ones people buy to save money. Well, you're not saving much on it when shards of it are in your son's forehead. That's right, shards of those spiral shaped light bulbs which, up until now i though were pretty cool... are in my forehead. my glasses broke in half after he decked me seeing as how the lamp didn't affect me as much as he wanted. I'm getting ahead of myself. Here's how it started. I was eating breakfast. my dad's in his room. He yells to get him a drink and I'm like okay whatever I'll get it after I'm done eating. And he goes now. I go. I'm almost done. He jumps out of bed. I could hear this from the other side of the house, it's followed by his signature angry obnoxious stomping towards the dining room. He stands behind me and breathes down my neck as I continue to chew my special k with red berries.

"Get me a drink!" He bellows. "You just passed the fridge," I respond, "get it yourself..."
"When I tell you to do something, You do it!" He yells with his voice getting louder with each word.
"Dad, you're being ridiculous." But before I could even finish saying ridiculous, he takes my bowl (which still has milk and delicious cereal in it) and throws it against the wall. Not making it up. It's like a B-Movie that attempts to be dramatic. That's my life. "Okay, wow. That was rude." I say.
"Don't be smart with me boy, I'll bust you" He says. (bust you is his way of saying i'm gonna punch you in the face really hard) "Hey, let's try to calm down." I say with a steady voice. "Don't talk back to me, boy." He's pretty much screaming by now. "Woah, what's going on? Where's all this rage coming from?" I ask. "You better stop with your psychology tricks you learned in school, you're not smarter than me just because you're going to college." "You're making me go to college." "Don't be smart with me." "Okay." "I said not to talk back to me." "Are you even thirsty?" He flips a chair after I ask this. He really does. It's kind of hilarious, I laughed when he did it, which he took as "belittling him".

"I don't need this, I'm going downstairs." I say. As I walk towards the stairs he cuts me off, "Don't turn your back on me until I'm finished talking to you!" "Well, you're kind of just yelling and making loud scary noises so you never really actually even started 'talking'." After hearing that, he runs to his bedroom. Really fast I should add for a fat guy. He comes back out with the lamp and yes, throws it to my face. Now he's thrown a lot of things (remote controls, beer bottles, mugs) at my face before but this is definitely the most stupid. He actually went out of his way to get this, usually it's whatever he's already holding.

So he punches me after the lamp is thrown, My glasses break off so I'm blind and getting pushed. I take his arm and flip him over me. Something I've seen in those self defense infomercials. He's stunned because I've never fought back before and he just starts smashing things around him. My mom's awake now screaming and crying. He's yelling, you better be out of here before I go to work! I'm agreeing saying definitely I'll see you in hell. He's going down the stairs. He slams the door. Screeches away on his schoolbus.

I'm packing. My mom's crying and begging me not to go. "I can't stay here, mom." "You're gonna leave me and your brother alone with him?" "Why don't you just divorce him!" "Jordan, I made a commitment to God." and when it comes to God, there's no arguing with my mother. So I despise all forms of religion. "So what you're just gonna let him treat you like this forever?" "Until death, Jordan. Please, just grin and bare it and let him yell. Just bare with him." "He's just going to go on a rampage if i'm still here, I should just go to a friend's house for the night." "It's just going to make him angrier." "So what." "Just say you're sorry." "But I'm not sorry, he's an unreasonable prick who has random temper tantrums. Why do I have to deal with it?" "Because we all do." "That's not a reason..." "You're also broke." "That's a good reason.Ugh."

So I wait till he gets home. He throws the anticipated temper tantrum. He eventually calms down. Well, what he calls calm. I'm forced to listen to an hour speech of him repeating himself. Barefoot, in the backyard. The next door neighbors are having a party so they can hear him. So thankfully, we had an audience. That's all I ever wanted. "Jordan, I brought you into this world and I could damn well kill you." [I don't think that's how that goes] [stuff inside these angular parenthesis brackets are what i'm thinking as he says things] "I could destroy you." [I guess but I highly doubt it.] "You're nothing to me." [Oh that's a nice thing to say] "You want your job to be your hobbies, Music? Art? Film? You're so stupid. You're pathetic. You know you're just a talentless nothing and you'll have to face those facts eventually. Just cause all your friends and classmates and teachers tell you you're so good. They're just being nice, Jordan. They don't want to hurt your feelings I'm your father, and I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings for your own good. You're nothing, son. You could die and no one would give a shit." [this is really encouraging and all, but you've told me this speech since I was eight] "Stop thinking you're smart. You don't know anything Jordan. Don't bite the hand that feeds you." [unless you're a cannibal then you're literally feeding on the hand] "Always dreaming. Dreams lead nowhere son. They just lead to unhappiness. Look at me. I have no friends. I don't have hobbies. Look at the life I have. I'm living the good life." [You're a fat, ignorant slob who has an inferiority complex. You're insecure and immature, you smoke terrible smelling cigars and sleep all day. You have no friends. You have no hobbies. You complain about the job you hate. You make fun of people on tv and the mentally handicap at church. You're a despicable person and if that's what happiness is. I'm going to have to kill myself] "I'm a law abiding religious man. I pray but you never do. You're just a sinner full of hate. You're tempted by all these things to disrespect your parents. Those are the reasons why we're having this talk. Music. Art. They're not gonna take you anywhere. You're just going to embarrass yourself and worst of all embarrass me. [Music and art aren't the reasons I don't respect you. Your arrogance, irregular mood swings and your unnecessarily loud voice are just a few things that merit my disrespect for you. Also I don't believe in God so the commandments can go to hell which doesnt exist...so ha] "When you grow up, and whatever happens to you, You're going to say one of two things. Either 'I'm glad I listened to my dad." or "I should've listened to my dad." Just two options." [There's actually three and you forgot the most important one. I'm glad I didn't listen to my father. I'm glad I've gotten to this point in my life despite his repressive limiting actions. He tried his best to hold me down. But I'm glad I didn't let him.]

He went on for about an hour repeating what he said above. Not even changing it up just repeating exactly what he said. And my mind just drifted into space. I sang songs to ignore a lot of what he repeated. I kept all my sarcastic remarks inside.

I hate living under the roof of a tyrant. I really need to get my life together so I can move out.

About friday night (cont.) I feel bad but at the same time, not really regretting it. I'm not sure what that makes me. Well, the gist of it is: I did some things with Bec. I'm really honest when I drink, and I just told her everything. How I felt. The whole night we just talked and danced. And things happened. I'm still an asshole. It's my best friend's ex. I mean, he'd always complain about her when they went out. How he knows it just will never work. But it still doesn't seem right. There's like a rule or something with that kind of thing. I have to wait like 3 months or something. At least I think someone said that once. I'm rambling again.

School is going to be tough this semester. I seriously shouldn't have done good last semester. My parents expect A's again. That kind of thing only happens every 7 years for me it seems. So much reading recquired for everything. Way more than last semester's classes, which mostly consisted of studio work like painting and sketching. I'm excited to take Philosophy, though sans the professor. He picked on me the first day. He saw me writing the notes in my little sketchbook. Asked if i was taking notes in my diary.

Today, Mat, Tom, Nick, Bec and I went ice skating! It was my first time and I fell five times. One on my face. Another on my ass. I did a very painful split :(. But it was fun I got the hang of it sort of. Bec let me hold her hand to keep my balance and I didn't fall once, once I was next to her. Overall It's been a nice weekend.

I've done a bad thing. But I kind of don't regret it. That makes it worse than it already is. I'll explain later I have work now.

Work, School, Rinse, and REPEAT.

I'm not good enough for anyone. Especially for myself.

Dear Journal,

Sometimes I don't know what I'm more afraid of; getting hurt again or dying alone. Either way, I'm a coward. School is coming up again. I really have to keep my grades up. I got straight A's last semester so now my parents are expecting the most again. For a while I feel I've lost their respect and trust. I've let a lot of people down. Just doing one stupid thing after another, but I dunno. I feel like this year, I'll finally be on track again. To what, I'm still not exactly sure. I don't think I'll ever be sure with what I want in life. [Sigh] Time to go to work.

Your Imaginary Friend,
Jordan

I'm naked but dressed to kill.

Today was a breath of fresh air. I went to the city with Ilya, Lance, and Ilya's friend, Jenn. We went to the sidewalk cafe. Apparently it's the longest running open stage in the city. Regina Spektor started out there. I can't believe I got to touch a piano she played on many times... I can't describe how awesome this day was. It was so good that I can only describe it as... uplifting. It really brought me up.It was an antifolk joint so I had no reservations and didn't care about how I sounded. So I took more risks but confidently. I've never felt so happy on stage before. I didn't feel nervous at all. Shit. Definitely one of the funnest places I've been to. I've got to go there again sometime. I like experimenting. But every place I've been to says I should have more structure and be more like everyone else. But here the crazier and weirder you are, the more they like you. This was the first big place where the host asked me to come back. After I finished my set, so many people in the audience were just smiling and nodding as i walked by. That body language of "you did good kid" haha. A really good way to end this year. Looking forward to 2010. Oh just checked my grades for this semester too. Straight A's!! Not even an A-!! First time in a long long time. um. Oh and... I finally came up with my stagename tonight. I even went by it at sidewalk. "Chivalry The Zombie" because chivalry is dead. But I'm still chivalrous.